Ants Attack: WWSD?

Whenever actress Suzanne Somers pops up in conversation, we generally mention her stint as airhead Chrissie on Three’s Company. If the issue of talent enters the picture, we may discuss her more “serious” work, the film American Graffiti, or perhaps the family sitcom Step by Step. If we’re in the mood to poke fun and get vicious (this is too often the case), we lovingly recall the onslaught of infomercials from the late 90s in which she tried to peddle all gadgets, jewelry, inspirational books and face creams that changed her life. (Check out Tracey Ullman’s impersonation of Somers on the show State of the Union.)

Personally, I think it’s sad that we don’t talk much about a lesser-known gem from her early career called Ants! (AKA It Happened at Lakewood Manor).

Have you seen Ants! ? Then let me tell you about it. It’s a wonderfully ridiculous and implausible made-for-TV thriller that came out in the late 70s. It takes place at this plush mountain resort suddenly infested with killer ants. Tension is built around the fact that many of the surviving guests are holed up in a room on the top floor. We viewers are supposed to wonder if help will arrive before the ants eat their way to those panicky few.

Suzanne Somers plays one of the ants’ hapless victims. One minute she’s laying in bed. The next minute her semi-naked body’s covered in ants. She screams and tries to get them off her skin, but to no avail.

I first watched Ants! as a kid. Almost every Saturday afternoon, I sat in front of the tube and took in two or three “animals attack” movies—Piranha, Grizzly, Kingdom of the Spiders, Cujo. Commercials interrupted. Fowl language was bleeped. Nudity was cut. But I didn’t care. I loved these movies. Human stupidity abounded. For example, Why didn’t the characters get out of the water? Why didn’t they run? Why didn’t they start their cars and drive away? No matter what course of action the characters took, they found themselves face to face with angry Mother Nature. I began approaching anthills and fish tanks with caution.

A few nights ago, I was out for a walk in my neighborhood. I expected to see the cranes, armadillos and deer I always see when I walk along the banks of a nearby pond. But I didn’t expect to look down and find fire ants crawling greedily all over my loafers and ankles. I hop-scotched to the sidewalk and tried to brush off as many as I could. Fire ants, I’ve learned, love to widen their mandibles and clamp your flesh, sometimes releasing a protective venom. I ended up taking off my loafers and socks and completing my walk barefoot.

On the way home, I thought about Ants!, which led me to think about Suzanne Somers. “WWSD?” I asked. What would Suzanne do? Try to brush them off without breaking a nail, without breaking a sweat. Help develop an anti-ant skin cream. Then, grin wide for the camera and sell it.