Dazed and Confused is the guy who sits in the back—you know, the one sporting a hoodie so that you won’t notice he’s got ear buds stuffed into his head. Even when the climate turns chilly, he wears cargo shorts and flip-flops. He’s consistently disheveled, with a scruffy beard and Medusan locks that don’t appear to have been shampooed in days. (In a culture in which squeaky-clean appearances trump all else, you have to admire this brand of nonchalance.)
In class, Dazed and Confused possesses all the traits of the “ideal student” since he’s so quiet and stares at you quizzically during lectures, leading you to believe you’re saying something incredibly thought-provoking and original.
In truth, he’s got no idea what you’re talking about since, in general, he doesn’t tune in until twenty minutes or so into class (that is to say, if he tunes in at all). He laughs at your jokes, especially when they’re at the expense of corporate America, and he nods in agreement when you pontificate about the importance of cultivating a creative sensibility and “thinking outside the box.”
Outside of class, if you run into him, you get along famously, chatting about Dylan and indie flicks and other miscellaneous topics that have nothing at all to do with what you teach. When you mention that he should consider buckling down to put more effort into his assignments, he waves his hand and assures you, “Ah, man, definitely.”
At the end of the semester, you feel a tad guilty giving Dazed and Confused a less-than-stellar grade since he recommended so many great places in town to hear live music.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Ants Attack: WWSD?
Whenever actress Suzanne Somers pops up in conversation, we generally mention her stint as airhead Chrissie on Three’s Company. If the issue of talent enters the picture, we may discuss her more “serious” work, the film American Graffiti, or perhaps the family sitcom Step by Step. If we’re in the mood to poke fun and get vicious (this is too often the case), we lovingly recall the onslaught of infomercials from the late 90s in which she tried to peddle all gadgets, jewelry, inspirational books and face creams that changed her life. (Check out Tracey Ullman’s impersonation of Somers on the show State of the Union.)
Personally, I think it’s sad that we don’t talk much about a lesser-known gem from her early career called Ants! (AKA It Happened at Lakewood Manor).
Have you seen Ants! ? Then let me tell you about it. It’s a wonderfully ridiculous and implausible made-for-TV thriller that came out in the late 70s. It takes place at this plush mountain resort suddenly infested with killer ants. Tension is built around the fact that many of the surviving guests are holed up in a room on the top floor. We viewers are supposed to wonder if help will arrive before the ants eat their way to those panicky few.
Suzanne Somers plays one of the ants’ hapless victims. One minute she’s laying in bed. The next minute her semi-naked body’s covered in ants. She screams and tries to get them off her skin, but to no avail.
I first watched Ants! as a kid. Almost every Saturday afternoon, I sat in front of the tube and took in two or three “animals attack” movies—Piranha, Grizzly, Kingdom of the Spiders, Cujo. Commercials interrupted. Fowl language was bleeped. Nudity was cut. But I didn’t care. I loved these movies. Human stupidity abounded. For example, Why didn’t the characters get out of the water? Why didn’t they run? Why didn’t they start their cars and drive away? No matter what course of action the characters took, they found themselves face to face with angry Mother Nature. I began approaching anthills and fish tanks with caution.
A few nights ago, I was out for a walk in my neighborhood. I expected to see the cranes, armadillos and deer I always see when I walk along the banks of a nearby pond. But I didn’t expect to look down and find fire ants crawling greedily all over my loafers and ankles. I hop-scotched to the sidewalk and tried to brush off as many as I could. Fire ants, I’ve learned, love to widen their mandibles and clamp your flesh, sometimes releasing a protective venom. I ended up taking off my loafers and socks and completing my walk barefoot.
On the way home, I thought about Ants!, which led me to think about Suzanne Somers. “WWSD?” I asked. What would Suzanne do? Try to brush them off without breaking a nail, without breaking a sweat. Help develop an anti-ant skin cream. Then, grin wide for the camera and sell it.
Personally, I think it’s sad that we don’t talk much about a lesser-known gem from her early career called Ants! (AKA It Happened at Lakewood Manor).
Have you seen Ants! ? Then let me tell you about it. It’s a wonderfully ridiculous and implausible made-for-TV thriller that came out in the late 70s. It takes place at this plush mountain resort suddenly infested with killer ants. Tension is built around the fact that many of the surviving guests are holed up in a room on the top floor. We viewers are supposed to wonder if help will arrive before the ants eat their way to those panicky few.
Suzanne Somers plays one of the ants’ hapless victims. One minute she’s laying in bed. The next minute her semi-naked body’s covered in ants. She screams and tries to get them off her skin, but to no avail.
I first watched Ants! as a kid. Almost every Saturday afternoon, I sat in front of the tube and took in two or three “animals attack” movies—Piranha, Grizzly, Kingdom of the Spiders, Cujo. Commercials interrupted. Fowl language was bleeped. Nudity was cut. But I didn’t care. I loved these movies. Human stupidity abounded. For example, Why didn’t the characters get out of the water? Why didn’t they run? Why didn’t they start their cars and drive away? No matter what course of action the characters took, they found themselves face to face with angry Mother Nature. I began approaching anthills and fish tanks with caution.
A few nights ago, I was out for a walk in my neighborhood. I expected to see the cranes, armadillos and deer I always see when I walk along the banks of a nearby pond. But I didn’t expect to look down and find fire ants crawling greedily all over my loafers and ankles. I hop-scotched to the sidewalk and tried to brush off as many as I could. Fire ants, I’ve learned, love to widen their mandibles and clamp your flesh, sometimes releasing a protective venom. I ended up taking off my loafers and socks and completing my walk barefoot.
On the way home, I thought about Ants!, which led me to think about Suzanne Somers. “WWSD?” I asked. What would Suzanne do? Try to brush them off without breaking a nail, without breaking a sweat. Help develop an anti-ant skin cream. Then, grin wide for the camera and sell it.
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